It still amazes me how, even after all this time, being overly tired or emotionally drained leaves me vulnerable to old thoughts. Today is only Tuesday, and the week is already testing my patience and strength. I thought I was on a bit of an upswing for the day though, when I went to the grocery store earlier, feeling pretty confident, open to the world around me, and hopeful. Then, like an old ghost, a thought flashed into my mind as I walked through the frozen food section: “You should just binge. Get a bunch of ice cream treats and binge…” Walking past the coolers of ice cream pints, novelty cones and bars, fudge pops…For a millisecond, it seemed right; then reason returned, and I wondered “Where did that come from?!” (Get thee behind me, Satan).
Of course I choose better; there was no actual consideration in my mind to engage in that behavior. But it startles me when those ideas creep back into my head. I wonder sometimes, will those intrusive thoughts always find weaknesses to creep into? I haven’t smoked for over ten years, but rarely, I will have a passing urge to light a cigarette. Will this always be the same? As long as I have to eat, I know these thoughts have the potential to show up. Especially when I allow them to slip through a chink in my armor — which I’ve finally learned is a sure sign that there is a need (emotional, spiritual, mental) that wants my attention.
And although it still takes practice, I am finally learning how to care for my needs.
(Stock photo courtesy of http://www.pexels.com)