Something Like Hopeless: free write

"Somewhere down inside meI could never find what was goodMemories are tough hereHeartache is rougher than time..."If I had a dollar for every memory that holds me back,I could afford to pack up and move forward.I don't know how to make peace with ghosts of people who are still alive: still breathing, still growing into…

Something Like Hopeful: free-write

I have been on autopilot for weeks. Shuffling along, powering through, gliding on Neutral through days with my head in a haze. Stopping in silence leaves room for my body, mind, and spirit to catch up to each other - and sometimes, the outcome is next to unbearable. It’s startling how quickly loneliness enters the…

Grief and the Griddle

Since 2018, I've had rats in my home - no, not like that. Intentionally, lovingly cared for pet rats as part of my family. I have played with them, snuggled them, nursed them to health when sick, and graciously sent them to sleep when there were no more options of health on the horizon. I…

Remembrance

Three years to the day -- I thought I'd have more to say: It's complicated.

Into the Mirror

From my personal archives - written one year ago, but not yet published here CW: mentions of weight, body image, eating disorder×××××××××What would it matterIf I slid right backAll the way I came?"Fat is not a feeling" They say -So then explainThe pain of taking up space,The shame of watching The waxing moon of my…

Aw, Rats!

I’ve been a rodent-lover for literally as long as I can remember. My first pet (that was mine alone) was a little white mouse, bought at the mall pet store for 99 cents. I don’t remember their name (for the sake of this post, we’ll call them Mouse), if they were a boy or a…

Commodity

I've spent so much of my life considering my body a commodity, one more capital to be consumed:"How is it useful to me?" Excepted, rather than accepted.I moved from hating my body to viewing it utilitarian at best:"How does my body function in a way I can tolerate?""How does it operate as efficient machine" rather…

24

A long time agoAnother lifetime agoI said I'd rather be deadThan fat.I have grown in so many ways, metaphoricalAnd physicalAnd I wonder what Past MeWould think of thatOne more yearAnd I will have spentA quarter of a centuryLearning toLive my lifeWithout fear of failureAnd of weight(And learning those things are not the same)Learning to live…

Tread Lightly

There is a portion of the trail I walk that is inhabited by numerous birds, of varying kinds: chickadees, crows, robins, and thrushes. They're sometimes seen pecking at the grass, foraging through the underbrush. Mostly though, they perch amongst the bowers and branches of the maples and ash that line the trail. They swoop overhead,…

The Pen Is Mightier

"I write only because there is a voice within me that will not be still" - Sylvia PlathI feel most like my true self - my favorite self - when I have a pen in my hand. And yet somehow, I always seem to forget. I always find excuses to keep silent, to keep myself…