24

A long time ago
Another lifetime ago
I said I’d rather be dead
Than fat.
I have grown in so many ways, metaphorical
And physical
And I wonder what Past Me
Would think of that
One more year
And I will have spent
A quarter of a century
Learning to
Live my life
Without fear of failure
And of weight
(And learning those things are not the same)
Learning to live without
Self-induced misery,
Self-imposed insanity.

I’d rather be fat than dead.
I chose life instead.
I chose the idea of hope
And the acknowledgement of hunger,
Decided worth is measured by more than a tick-marked number.
I believe,
But heaven help my disbelief.
Vanity is a killer
And self-hatred a thief.
This annual admission of
Where I was
Who I was
Where I could be;
This annual decision
To keep growing,
Keep nourishing,
Keep choosing
Me
…
24 years since the first step of e/d recovery. Every year, my vision gets a little clearer. Bless the unseen forces that sustain me.